jv08

In the End, Maybe We Shouldn't be Looking...

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:16:30 GMT

Ah its been a long time since I've had a chance to put my mind back down onto these wonderful facebook notes. And thus we begin again with speculation about love and romance.

Love and romance are splendid things. They hold so much power of people's actions and thoughts that its hard to not accept that they have ensnared half the people probably reading this.

Now I know many of the people reading this may already have a girlfriend/boyfriend and thats good. I want those people to know and understand truly appreciate what they have. Because in most relationships, the number one killer is "taking it for granted." Now I know we hear that a lot. I know my mom used to tell me that all the time. The problem, nay, dilemma we have is that everything we have we always take for granted, because theres no human way to truly appreciate everything you have. Its much more logical to run on the notion that its going to be there. But to understand that we need to define what "appreciation" is. People define appreciation when it comes to relationships as "cherishing the person". Cherish their presence, cherish their actions and cherish their feelings. The trick is that all this "cherishing" can drain anyone, no matter how in love you are. And people tend to drain their cherish supply in the first four months of the relationship, and when that well runs dry, well, then they just starting scraping for whatever droplets they can find at the bottom. Appreciation isn't about how much you can make that person feel special. Its about making sure that person always feels special. See, the key difference in those two statements is that one is measured through quantity, while the other is a much broader/general statement. If you appreciate based on quantity, eventually people are going to get tired of it. So, instead of draining the well right away, do something sweet one week, do something amazing the following and then wait a month to blow his/her mind away with something phenomenal. Once you appreciate that person properly you never have to feel insecure, never have to feel afraid because that person has always and will always love you. The scary thing is that some people don't appreciate properly. And just because the "cherish" supply has ran out, doesn't change your feelings for someone. And when the lack of true appreciation drives the person away, you're still left with that love for the person. And well, no one wants to be put in that situation.

The second half of this rant goes out to the singles in the crowd. Lets just start off with saying, stop looking for someone to fill the void in your life. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure some of you guys have learned how to be properly single. Occasional fling here and there, while maintaining your status quo work wise. And I can tell you guys it took me almost a year to figure THAT one out. But here I stand before all of you, a reformed man! Now don't even think I'm anywhere near completely fixed because I'm not. I have so many things I still have to fix, but right now I'm happier than I have been in a year. And I'm happy not because I have a girlfriend, or because I won money. I'm happy because I chose to be happy. I chose to stop defeating myself and hating myself. I finally chose to look in the mirror and say that I'm not ugly (although I do think I'm getting a tummy but I'm working on it at the gym). I made a promise that I would be the best man I could be. And right now, although I still have a long way, I couldn't be happier that I can actually see it happening. Now this rant isn't about how good my life is going, its about proving to those singles that there is much more than women. Much more than trying to have a girlfriend (although sex is a totally separate thing). I believe that when you stop looking and start doing things, its the only thing that can really help you sleep at night. And when it boils down to it, when your head hits that pillow and you can say to yourself, "I got a lot done today" then you have accomplished something. And then when your eyes close you will sleep deeply with the notion that you are better than you were yesterday and your going to keep becoming a better person.

A friend of mine told me that most people were semi-circles, looking for someone to complete their circle. The problem is if there are any cracks in the circle, the relationship falls apart. People should first become circles on their own and when they meet someone who is a circle, together they form, the infinity sign.

Every Monday And Wednesday Morning...

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:15:24 GMT

Every Monday and Wednesday morning I wake up between the hours of seven and eight either naturally, or to the screeching ring of the alarm on my cellphone. After about 15 minutes of usually just laying there I finally decide to get up out of bed and usually open Winamp on my laptop, putting on Phoenix most morning but occasionally changing it up. After which, I turn on my Wii and put on the news channel, letting the headlines pass by in a slide show and occasionally taking a look at a story I might be interested in. At this point I start to make my bed and generally organizing my room. I toss a set of jeans, a shirt, and socks on my already made bed. I grab a towel and take a quick shower. Returning to my room I enjoy Phoenix as I get dressed. Packing my bag with my laptop, I pick up the essentials; cell, wallet, keys, SUNY card, and DS.

I leave my room at around 9:00AM and take a walk to the Science Library. There I usually do some type of work until about 10:30, when I pack up and leave. I head to the bagel shop and get the same thing every time; everything bagel toasted with butter, a small cup of coffee with exactly 8 sugars, and a small bottle of Minute Maid orange juice. I find a seat next to the small garden on campus and pull out my DS. I load up Brain Age and do my daily training to activate my prefontal cortex while I enjoy my bagel with the orange juice. Once done with the bagel and orange juice I drink my slightly cooled coffee with my Zen playing in my ears anything from Explosions in the Sky to Sigur Ros. It was right here, looking out today into the frozen garden that I realized...

I was happy.

Big World to Explore, Why Wait?

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:14:44 GMT

Welcome back to Albany those who are up here and hello world once again. I'm back and I got to say, some major logic has been dropped on me.

For the first few weeks here I've been questioning my concepts of morality as well as my growth as a person and came to one major theme, how big the world is.

I have been known to complicate and over analyze everything but recently I took a walk and came to the realization, through the music Hoppipolla by Sigur Ros, that the world is so incredible. There is never a time where there is nothing new to explore. There is always a forest to delve into, an ocean we haven't swam, or a desert to trek. With such feats unaccomplished, why do we, as people, see our social problems or our petty problems grow significantly out of proportion? Its because we want our problems to be that big. We want our small things to be important because if our problems are important, that makes us feel important. As just one person we have to battle that sense of "small". The sense of "small" applies to everything, be it voting or exploration. We feel that we need to make ourselves feel bigger than we are.

But its at this point I realized, I don't want to be the important one with the important problems making me feel...well...important. I want to be the little guy. Because as the little guy in the world, theres that never ending sky of possibilities, of places to explore and of things to discover. Education gives us a chance to be that little guy and see how much we don't know, how much there is out there in the world to experience. If I stay the little guy, then the problem of "Who likes me or who doesn't?" or "Man, I wish I had a girlfriend." become meaningless! What has meaning is discovering what is out there for us to live. I've never stood next to a waterfall, I've never witnessed a coral reef, nor have I ever shaken hands with an elephant trunk. There is so much out there for us as people to enjoy, even if we don't find love or be the most popular kid in school. Hell, the most important thing is to take hold of your education so you can get an idea of whats out there. And when you finally have your chance to grow up, seizing the moment and experiencing life.

I have a long way before I can become a doctor, I only hope my dreams won't diminish as I grow older. Because once I settle down I want to explore the world. I don't mean explore the world in the sense of visiting ANOTHER city with ANOTHER crowd of people, riddled with the intricacies of social mannerisms or customs. Instead I want to explore the deep jungles of Africa, ride down the Amazon river and stand halfway up the Appalachian mountains looking at the sights below. I'm taking my steps toward experiencing life, because over the summer I'm dragging my friends to Puerto Rico and we aren't going to see the beaches or El Morro (A fort), we are going to explore El Yunque which is the rain forest in Puerto Rico. A small baby step for what I want to do in life and an experience I'm sure I won't forget.

"Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or your excretions or your grandma's itchy place. Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties? I don't pity this kid, I envy him."
- Dr. Gregory House - House M.D. - Lines in the Sand

Memories

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:13:49 GMT

People are a vast connection of rivers and streams. We are born from the sky, falling down as little droplets into the tops of mountains. As the droplets connect they grow and grow. We all fall into the mountains high above everyone else, purer than anyone else. Gravity takes its course and all the droplets begin to form bodies of water. Some form lakes, never changing. Simple pools of people stagnate. Others form creeks and streams, small groups drifting through life. These creeks branch and expand across the world. Growing larger and leaving its impacts. Rivers flowing and cutting the earth, forming canyons. The drops all coming together and making an impact on the world. Some creeks falling into deep dark caverns, sustaining life for others, or simply getting lost. Branches connect and then break as forks in the river appear. And yet, as always, life finds a way. Rivers, streams, lakes, creeks, and ponds alike all eventually evaporate. The shells of their former selves broken as they float into the sky, where they are reshaped, reformed and reborn....as new life.

What makes every drop its own though? Rain droplets are not like snowflakes. Not everyone is different to the naked eye. But what makes every droplet different was its journey. The path that each drop took makes it different. The history of those drops, is always different. The memories of each droplet, make each droplet unique.

No matter the decision you made, no matter the mistakes you've made and no matter the faults you have....regret nothing. Regret no decision you've made because it has made you who you are today. Every part of your life, every instance makes you the individual you are today. And even if you don't like who you are today, the journey to be better will be more rewarding, if the journey was a difficult one. Hold onto every piece of who you are because if you ever take away any piece, your identity, your life can fall apart.

"It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all."

"You Don't Love Me, You Love the Idea of Me"

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:12:29 GMT

We were married for fifteen years. Man was it a ridiculous fifteen years of my life. I wasted so much time, I put out a ridiculous amount of money... I mean, people outside of this relationship would have said that it was like watching the real fight between David and Goliath, not the one where God was on David's side. And so, I kind of got sick being trapped in my "comfort zone". I got sick of being stuck in the same rut for fifteen years. And thus the arguments began, from the morning breakfast being the cereal that I don't like, to who has the most of the comforter that night. We got sick of it and called a separation. I moved out to the boondocks upstate from NYC. So what else was there to do other than drive over to the bar and knock back a few. And it was only a week I realized how much it sucked. I just wanted someone to jump in bed with me so I can steal their comforter. I found one and she wasn't the best looking one on the block. Either way I got my rocks off and called it a night. That next morning when I looked at an empty table, without that shitty cereal, I realized what I did.

I called her the next morning and told her what happened. A bunch of people called me a complete idiot. "You were separated! Why the fuck would you tell her?" And to be honest, to this day I've made up my own justification, but I can't tell you that's the exact reason. Because I don't know. I told myself I did it because I love her. And if you love someone thats what you do.

Six months later the divorce papers came in and I went through the motions. In six months I went through all 5 stages of death; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Finally getting through it all and getting over it I look back at all the pathetic letters I wrote to her. "Please come back to me, I need you I can't live without you." and all that other crap.

So here I am sitting down with a cup of coffee in one hand, and medical journal in the other asking myself, where did I go wrong? I bitched and moaned constantly for a decade and a half and now here I am, wondering about the mistakes in my life. The mistakes I made in school, and in life. And hell, I've only regret one decision. It wasn't losing my wife, it was losing an important person. A person who I truly cared about. Not being yelled at for making a stupid comment. Being whacked upside the head for a dumb decision or being mounted for a good one. A lot of women tell guys who are desperately trying to get with or get back with them that they only love the idea of them. The idea being hugs and kisses and cuddles. The real love, is the love of the person.

And now I'm stuck, not depressed. I'm stuck alone wondering what I'm left to do next. As always though, its life. I get up every morning and have a cup of coffee and look over some paper work. The only difference now? Well...I don't have cereal anymore.

To All the Nice Guys

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:11:31 GMT

I always believed that if you were kind, sincere and just, you would be rewarded. However, in today's world, kindness is rewarded with alienation. Sincerity is rewarded with judgment. And those who "fight" for justice, only suffer for justice.

I have always tried my best to put myself out there. Make myself known, and make myself noticed. This note isn't written in sorrow. There is no emo-ness in this note. This note is written in frustration. The frustration that women seem to not understand whats good for them. I'd be the last person to "toot" my own horn. But I know in my heart I'm not a bad guy. I'm not the most attractive, nor am I best catch in the sea. But I don't think I'm bad enough to suffer the constant response I receive.

The frustration stems from doing everything RIGHT and still not winning. And while people will tell me constantly "You can't make someone like you." I'm not an idiot. I know I can't make anyone like me. My frustration is that no one likes me, and I can't figure out why. And when I say like me, I don't mean as a friend. I mean more than that. I'm sick of being a friend. Sick of not being an option, not being a potential.

But what really puts me over the edge, is that what is rewarded, is being an asshole. Assholes everyday are rewarded with women and affection. And yet, it truly doesn't make sense. I have to stand here awestruck at the logic. A guy like me, who does everything right, shows the girl shes special, shows that I'm willing to be there for her. Willing to compromise, and willing to work with her towards a better future...is shunned aside for the guy who treats her disgustingly.

Does ANYONE else see the missteps in logic?

I know I'm not alone when I say that this doesn't make sense. The irony is however, that I've tried to play the asshole role. And I really can't. I can't sincerely be something I'm not. Instead I can only hope, like every other nice guy before me and after me, that our kindness will be justly rewarded. We will continue to hope for that one woman who understands that its BECAUSE we are nice guys, that we are viable, and GOOD options.

In closing, I always believed nice guys finished last because they let the others win. I was wrong. Nice guys finish last because they are fighting for the wrong side.

The Friend Zone

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:10:59 GMT

Here I am again. Stuck in the same rut I've been for most of my life. Searching for someone to love. Searching, if not for someone to love, someone to take care of, and to hold instead of turning to the empty wall at night. Why am I alone always? I can explain that situation easily. Its a place many men fear to end up in. The dreaded "Friend Zone". What puts us in the friend zone? Why the hell is it that so many women, of different flavor, taste, and even size, put me in the same place no matter how hard I try to avoid?

A lot of the time I end up asking these women, why am I here. What could I have possibly done to end up here? I treat these people special, being there for them always. Not necessarily on knee and hand, but when I'm needed, I'm there. I promise them grand treatment, for being with me. I promise them that while we may argue, I would be willing to give up an argument for them. Every time I talk to these women, they explain to me that I'm not their type.

If you are put into the friend zone, were you not their "type" to begin with? I don't make friends with people I don't get along with. Therefore, the people I make friends with are also my type. Its why I look at every female friend as a potential. What better that to spend time with someone you're truly close to. Someone that you've shared secrets and feelings. Someone you've been vulnerable with?

So If I qualify for every aspect personality wise, well then it has to be a physical situation. Well that is the situation with some, to which I don't argue those cases because I understand. I only debate what doesn't make sense. Someone who qualifies completely; both physically and personality-wise should be a prime candidate when choosing someone to love, and care for.
And yet I still am left alone turning to the blank wall. Only now I turn to the blank wall with a ringing answer in my head. The answer I receive from every time I discuss this. The answer that leaves me hunting for answers. Leaving me so baffled as to why someone, some of which I had grown to like, have left me stranded without a clue.

The infamous "I don't know."

Leading me to assume ignorance. The ignorance of avoiding something that could work out for you based on a notion with no support. Avoiding the possibility of really being happy. And even worse, denying someone the chance to be happy while making your life better. All because you just don't know.

I still hunt the answers, hunting as always, alone.

Nostalgia

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:10:30 GMT

Stepping out into the bitter cold, the wind grazed across the fine hairs of my arms.
The nerve endings tingle with the itching frost passing through. My skin crawls with a familiar feeling. Looking out into the deep horizon in which the trees are swaying quietly in the wind. The chill lays a white haze across the landscape. Small brown crisps float across my vision. The small crisps resembling what were once leaves. Sitting atop the cement ledge, looking down at the 2 story drop beneath me. The grass fields floating by as the wind bends each and every blade. And yet, I can't shake this deep feeling. Seeing each leaf pass by and seeing each blade of grass bend, brings that deep feeling that...

I've been here before.

In the End, Its All We Are Looking For...

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:10:02 GMT

Why do we sometimes stay up at night looking into the blank empty space in front of us, lost in our thoughts. Why do we sometimes see that couple sitting on the bench and think to ourselves, who could I be sitting next to? Or if we see something in a movie, or on TV, thats so bloody romantic that in the end you feel that little pain in our chest if you don't have someone, or that good feeling in your stomach if you do.

Is it because we want someone there at all times to be our knight in shining armor, saving us from the mundane? Or is it because we want roses and a kiss in the morning as you wake up next to that special someone? For me, its because I see how happy someone else can make you. But its not so simple with me. The reason that person makes me happy is because I'm there making them happy. Seeing a beautiful girl's smile? I don't need that, I need her to look at me and when I look back at her I feel that she knows I'll be there for her. She knows that I'll be there for her in anyway she ever needs.

Is that the only thing? What else do we need as human beings? What part of a relationship is what really makes us crave it so much? Theres one thing for me that makes it the most important thing for me to have. Someone you can be vulnerable with. Someone your not afraid to be weak around. Someone that you can hold while your crying. Someone that will give you a kiss when you get lost in your own world, bringing you back. Someone to cuddle with when the nights get cold and lonely. Someone who can cry in front of you, someone for you to help.

What is it we are looking for in life? Are we really looking for glory? Am I looking for the glory of helping the world. Its what I thought I wanted. But with the world changing so much, can I really fix everyone? Does that mean I should give up? I will go on using my gift of talking. The gift I was born with, wasn't one that you can notice easily. I wasn't blessed with good looks, complete power, money, or talent. I was blessed with wisdom. But the gift you were given shouldn't define your purpose in life. Its a gift for a reason. A token of gratitude for existing. A baseball player given the gift of talent shouldn't win as many games or break as many records as he can his entire life. While we may just have that one thing, theres always room. Save room for love, and let yourself be vulnerable. Let your guard down. Let your paranoia go and let someone you care about, in. Because if you don't you can never really be happy.

You can never experience life, without letting someone in. Without putting down that guise of being impenetrable. The illusion that you are without weakness. The visage that you will never cry. Because you need someone, to hold, and be held by. Its why you lay awake at night thinking, "Did he/she really like me?" or "I wonder what it would be like to kiss him/her." In the end, all we are looking for is someone to be there for us, and accept us for who we are.

Is this "love"?

In the end, its all we are looking for..

Does Anyone Really Want to Be Alone?

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:09:16 GMT

Humans are social creatures. We thrive on interacting with each other on many different levels. The different levels of interaction set up an organized society. Each type of a relationship creates an order throughout the entire social setting, employee/employer, parent/child, wife/husband, and friend/friend. Despite our instinct however, everyone needs what they like to call "Alone time" or "me time". But how much "me time" is too much?

Up here in Albany I live with a room mate. While he may not be my bestest buddy in the whole world, I do talk with him while he is here. He does leave to the city every weekend. So I have three days of being by myself every week. Well lets look at it mathematically.

I spend about 6-8 hours of sleep. Multiply by three thats about 18-24 hours for the three days. So logically that lops off one day to sleep. About 3 hours are lost to basic functions, bathroom, waking up, eating. So for three days, thats 9 hours lost. 48 subtracted by 9 leaves us with 39 hours. Being graceful I'm going to say about 4 hours a day are dedicating to actually being around some people who I consider friends/acquaintances. So 39 subtracted by 12 leaves me with 27 hours of "me time". Imagine being alone for one entire day without sleep. Alone left only to feed on your mind for entertainment. So to make up for all this alone time many people turn to television, gaming, computer and other means to distract them. But speaking from actual experience. That is way too much alone time.

Its odd hearing this come from me. Usually I love to be alone. But after a certain point I find myself desperately reaching out for someone, anyone to come to me. Probably the biggest reason I loved the city. If I reached out, one of my friends would always be there. Up here in Albany, I wonder should I blame these people for not responding? Probably not. Its not their fault that they have stuff to do, or don't feel like being around me. But I can't help but feel a little vengeful. Because I know that even if I was writing an essay for class due the next day and a friend needed me, I would run over there.

Being realistic, this is probably why I've been writing these long notes for. Not for attention but to let my mind wander. Let it come out into these notes. I don't expect anyone to come running just because I wrote this. Thats the last thing I want. I just wanted to let what was going on in my head, out.

I ask, does being alone scare you? How long can you last?

The Meaning of Being Strong

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:08:19 GMT

"I want to be stronger." I tend to say that a lot. But when you really sit down and put your mind to it. What does it mean to be stronger? How can you be stronger? Why do you want to be stronger? And when are you going to be your strongest? Where is the limit?

I always loved to say "Live and love only for yourself, but be strong for others." I always say it because it means that you can only true love and live to make yourself happy. However, you can't be at your peak of strength if you fight only for yourself. When you have something you believe in, only then can you be the strongest you can be.

If thats how you can be stronger then the next question is what does it all mean. Strength can only be achieved by defeating your opponent. One trains and trains to defeat their opponent. An opponent can be tangible, human, intangible, or even ideas. But no matter what, any battle you face, you'll never be truly fighting your opponent. The opponent you face is only a manifestation of you. The strongest and most demanding battle you can ever face, is the battle against yourself. When I face an opponent, the opponent embodies my weakness. Fighting your own weakness is the only way you can be stronger. So when people fight, its not because their angry or upset. Even a battle ensued by rage is just a battle against your own rage. People fight to fight their own weakness. And its why I fight. Its why anyone fights. They fight to defeat themselves.

Is their a limit to your strength? The question can be answered with a basic statement. "Nobody is perfect." You can never reach your limit. No matter how long you fight, nor how many opponents you battle. You can never completely conquer yourself. There is always someone stronger and always a weakness inside of you that you have to fight.

Then why do we fight, if we can never achieve perfection? That, is a question you have to answer yourself. You have to look into your soul and think to yourself, why do I want to be strong? Why should I fight? I fight because I never want to be weak. To be taken care of. I fight because I want to protect people, help lives. I fight to be stronger so that I can help others be strong. Every day is a battle against my own morals, my judgment, my academics, my friendships, my trust and my life. But I fight because I know that the stronger I can get, the more I can help those that matter to me.

Live, and love only yourself. Be strong for others.

An Anyltical Outlook on Trust and Friendship

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:07:20 GMT

Trust, an interesting aspect in the social behavior of people. If looked-up in the dictionary, according to Dictionary.com Unabridged Version 1.1, the word has twenty three definitions. The definitions ranging from being left as guardian to a person or object, to the law definition of property or funds so held. However, the "archaic" definition which is number eleven reads, "Reliability". Too simple to understand I took a look at the definition of reliability. To rely on something is to depend confidently. Well for me even that wasn't enough so I decided to break it down further. To depend is to be attached to as a condition or cause, and confidently is defined as strong belief and full assurance. So squishing it all into a single sentence, it would read "To be attached to a condition or cause with strong belief and full assurance." That would be the simplest definition of Trust. Well reading this made me question my trust in friends. Do I trust my friends, and do they trust me?

I always believed that the key to any relationship, be it a love-based, friendship-based, or family-based relationship, is a complete combination of trust and communication. A healthy balance of trust and communication will help any relationship move forward and evolve. Most relationships however always lack a bit in one of the two. More often than not they make up for the handicap by strengthening the other. A little less trust means they have a little more communication. A little less communication can be fixed with a little more trust. However, if there is no balance, a relationship will begin to take severe and noticeable damage.

In all my questioning I found myself coming up with answers I expected and answers I'd have rather ignored.

Some consider me to be a little anti-social. To which I disagree. While I may not run around making a million friends a minute I do make friends. And when I choose you as a friend, I am very willing to put anything on the line to help and protect you. I usually am good at my choosing because the people I choose are willing to do the same for me. They are willing to put anything down just to help me. And as I trust them to not be a weak straggler and continuously be bogging me down with request for help, they trust me. I'm fiercely independent in my work but am dependent on people for attention. I like to be called out to hang out, even if I deny the request, just to know I'm in their head and included. And while it may be difficult for some people, when I call someone out, its usually because I need that person. I need to be with someone because I do get lonely. And since I'm asking for that, I'm always willing to be there any second they need me, or even get things that they need.

However, a lot of the time I start to believing that someone is my friend, I can be truly wrong. And I seriously hate being wrong. Especially being wrong about being friends with someone. Because being wrong makes me question everything and everyone.

So take a real look at yourself, ask your self, is this person my friend? Am I really being their friend? Because if the answer to either of those questions is no. Then don't drag on something you don't need. Don't carry extra weight if someone's not helping you. Because that extra weight is the person just using you. And while I don't mind being utilized, I hate being used as everyone else does.

Ask yourself, if those friends you have really trust you, and do you really trust them?

A Look back at who I was, and who I am now

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:05:22 GMT

This is a nice summary of who and what I am, as of now I'm just gonna dump the major discussion I've put up on a previous site so that people here can see my life theories.
Man I really have grown up from what I once was.

I now have a car, to drive over to my best friends who are still Fahm, Nigel and Vic, been so for 8, 10, and 6 years respectively. Right now I'm in my second year of college and I'm working my ass off to maintain my scholarship. I've gone through a break up a year ago and am still single. Can't say I've gotten over her, but in my journey I've learned that in order to let someone go you have to realize that your never gonna stop loving them. I'll never stop loving her and always be there for her which is why we still remain friends. Right now I'm focused on patching up my life because I've hit a detour I didn't want to take.

So yea my life isn't where I planned or hoped it to be but you know what, the journey was a fun one. And I'm in the works of getting life back on track. I work as a solicitor for my school stealing money from Alumni. I also am in the works of getting in shape. Taking a half-hour jog while I'm down in the city for break, or swimming when I'm at school in Albany. My bass skills have grown better, and I run my own fight club at school. I broke my hand in said fight club but as always Its Life.

I've returned to my born roots of gaming and am back in the loop of the gaming world. I haven't taken to the tablet recently but looking back at my work from top to bottom, I have improved and theres no reason to stop a hobby you loved to do. So I might pick up that tablet once again, as soon as Fahm picks up his and gives me some line art. :)

My slew of submissions will be just rants that I've had with the extra time to think up in Albany. Organic chemistry screwed me over last semester so now I'm appealing to get my scholarship back and stay one more semester in Albany and continue pursuing my dream of being a doctor. A dream that I will accomplish.

I've lost my taste in Anime/manga except for a select few. My taste in music has changed drastically to a varying love of many genres. Pretty much now, I can say I've reached a point of peace in my life. Not complete peace considering I have to worm my way back to happiness but you know what? I'm proud that I'm making it this far.